Monday, April 30, 2012

What women want (I know, what a stupid title)

Liam Neeson doing laundry: What every woman wants

The other day at the car wash, I was recently asked what I thought women really wanted.
I was there, you know, washing dog puke out of the nice living room rug, so I gave what I thought was a real no-brainier, the obvious answer at that moment: Women would like not to have dogs in the house, especially those prone to projectile vomiting with a sensitivity to sitcoms.

I have been watching my wife this past week, and I think I have been able to come up with a few specifics and a few general "no's" that I really feel would make her life easier.

OK, that is pretty unique and specific to my wife/dog situation. And as long as our dog, Meg, finds the living room rug the best place to enjoy a comedy and a good purge, then I can see where my wife is coming from.
But I have been watching my wife this past week, and I think I have been able to come up with a few specifics and a few general "no's" that I really feel would make her life easier — poor word choice, but I can think of no appropriate other.
To my children:
Mother would like you to call her when you are going to be late coming home. What she would really like is for you not to be late at all so she can stop taking that little blue pill for her ulcers, but if you are going to be late, please call.
If you plan on consistently being late even if you call, a thoughtful gift would be a spare bottle of those little blue pills. A bottle of prevention is worth a gut load of cure.
When you come home late, don’t think she was just kidding about wanting to be awakened at whatever hour to let her know you are home. Even if she is sleeping, she is not sleeping. Open the door and let her know so she doesn’t make me come after you — because at 1:30 in the morning, I will do whatever she asks, and I will hunt you down to appease her — I don’t care if I embarrass you in front of your friends.
She won't care if you need to blame something square on her, like “oh my mom is so old fashioned that I have to be home by 11:00. Let her look domineering and make yourself look like the perfect angel for pampering your slightly stingy mother. She is happy to take the blame as long as it gets you home on time and safely.

Sometimes letting it slip that your mom takes good care of you when she is pretending not to listen to your cell calls would make her proud and make the sacrifices you may not have noticed worth it for her.

Give her the "key word" when you call and she will be there in seconds if you ever get uncomfortable with any situation you think could turn south in a hurry. You know the word — we have practiced it enough. Remember to use it, and we will be there in the drop of a hat — and she will feel like her life is worth living.
Even a “hey, mom, use these earrings — they look so good on you!” goes such a long way to helping her remember that once upon a time, before the bills and the meal preparations, she was a girl like you.
Mothers like it when you do your chores and clean your room; and when you invite someone over to visit, help clean the house before they arrive. What a kind gesture that mother doesn’t forget. Sometimes letting it slip that your mom takes good care of you when she is pretending not to listen to your cell calls would make her proud and make the sacrifices you may not have noticed worth it for her.
I have found that when I compliment you, my sons and daughters, it makes my wife feel better about all three of us. Three dodo birds with one stone, as it were. I am sure that if you think about yourselves from her angle, you can come up with a few of your own. Her life is all about you, her child. Even just a small acknowledgement can bring back some lofty dividends, and maybe your children will continue the tradition.
Mothers want you to be yourself in the world and do your best — which is starting to sound like "world peace" and "doing good in every little endeavor." So I'll stick to what I know — plumbing. I know personally that women want good plumbing. In order for my wife to be happy today, I have some duct tape and a few washers to buy.

2 comments:

  1. I think this is right on. Mr neeson doing the laindry would be right up there for my wife.

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  2. Awesome blog. I'm cracking up at your humor. I'm Lds. Found you through ksl. Great posts. I'll have to come back and read more. Thanks for the laughs.

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