|Whz: Vowel Conservationist|
Many would shrug off Whiz’s’ report and its detailed description of future planetary colonization and instead concentrate on avoiding the PTA when they call for volunteers to judge the science fair. My wife, however, has opted for a different path. She is readying herself for her astrophysical adventure on the red planet.
Now, I keep telling her to relax and have faith in the current political climate, that we as a country can find our way out of this financial/political mess. I assure her that the new health care program is not an indicator of the collapse of the world as we know it and even then wouldn’t require a mass exodus of planetary proportions. Like she listens to me.
It is with her not paying attention to me in mind, combined with her tendency to act somewhat rashly that I am creating a list which I will then laminate and attach to the medical ID necklace I now wear. This is in case I somehow become incapacitated and my wife chooses to leave the planet with me in tow instead of waiting for me to regain consciousness.
Here are the reasons I will not be signing up to colonize Mars.
First, a lady at the kiosk in the mall says that I am an “autumn” and that I should stick to browns and blues. My best colors on the pallet are sorely lacking on Mars if the set designers from Total Recall are to be trusted. The lack of breathable air is another thing one could focus on if the image of me wearing red wasn’t so horrifying.
My next worry is the appalling lack of information concerning the number and locations of convenience stores. I need refills every hour on the hour. I have a habit to feed, and apparently diet coke doesn’t grow on trees. Also, are there any trees?
I don’t believe I am being selfish in asking for more information. I have a family to care for. My youngest son is concerned that those on Mars would not be focused on important, status gaining measures like football. Are there any good teams on Mars, or would he be better off in Canada? He did the math (or at least paid Whz at school to do it for him) and he would have to gain eighty three pounds at the very least to stay on the offence line due to the difference in gravity. I can’t afford to feed him eighty three pounds worth. I can barely afford to pay my son to pay Whiz to do his math for him.
Unreliable Internet service is another real deal breaker. I am used to personal service here on Earth: I call; he comes over and fixes my IT problem immediately. And the wait time off-planet to speak to a live agent would be unbearable.
The only trepidation my wife has is that we not may be able to have visits from her folks or see the next two Kevin Costner movies when they are released. On the up side, we may not be able to have visits from her folks or see the next two Kevin Costner movies when they are released. Another positive: Rent-to-own, unlike on earth, would actually make since.
Additional benefits to calling Mars home would be not being asked to substitute teach in Sunday school, considerable fewer shark attacks, and I wouldn’t have to judge the science fair and make pleasant conversation with Whz. I try to keep it professional between him and me. I call, he comes over to fix my Internet connection, and I give him a blue ribbon – strictly professional.
If I could just get him to stop talking about Mars in front of my wife. She doesn't do well with moving.