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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Flying Twinkies and Other Experiments in Gravity

It's Harder For Fat People
Local Police admit to still being in the dark concerning the complete and baffling anonymity of the two people who jumped off a downtown Salt Lake City high-rise months ago, parachuted down to a Quickie-Mart parking lot. authorities state that there isn't much more information available other than the fact that the jumpers were nicely dressed, smelled good, and said "please" and "thank you" as they pealed out of said parking lot into obscurity leaving behind only a partly eaten Hostess sponge cake and waving onlookers.

Security cameras posted in the buildings elevator recorded the two heading to the top floors observation tower slightly before noon. Both took time during the elevator ride to high five each other and take bites of a yellowish cream filled cake. They then wiped their hands on their pants and deposited the wrappers into a trash receptacle. There is no video of the couple from that point to the time they landed onto the northwest corner of North Temple and State Street, signed a few autographs and took off in a waiting mud colored 74 Ford Pinto. The people, not the Twinkies.

“Wrong! It was an olive green ford pinto with wood paneling, AM-FM radio and a bumper sticker for the Pioneer League favorite, the Pocatello Boring's baseball team”.

"There is a security station at the entrance and individuals going in or out have to check in. I don't know how this couple made it to the top or even made it in the building - unless they bribed someone" mumbled the chief security guard as he swallowed his third fruit pie in as many minutes from a stash in a plain brown paper bag. "The couple was generous, however, and they got my favorite right: boysenberry--for the record"

“Yeah, we knew that.”

Police say what the couple did was a complete disregard for the safety of others both in the building and on the street and sidewalk below. "I don't know the science of falling and stuff, but I think that even fresh and creamy Twinkies can maim and mangle at, like, a billion miles an hour.” Mumbled Officer Ted with his mouth full. “And people jumping off a building could have been bad, too."

From top to bottom, the building measures 420 feet tall. BASE jump experts, who coincidentally were on hand to applaud and cheer, said it was a safe distance to jump and deploy a chute from. Experts, seated at the hostess table in the parking lot next to the rented port-a-potty’s, say that given the office building's height, a BASE jumper would have about two seconds to pull their chute to land safely. These experts have also confirmed that the package of golden and delicious Twinkies was most likely opened shortly after the chute pull unless the Twinkies were being eaten pre-jump and just fell on their own – an unlikely supposition.

“And a silly one, too. Who would waste a good Twinkie? Nothing, including g forces or gravity or a grandchild can rip a Twinkie out of mine or my wife's hands and live to enjoy nap time”.

After photos of the jumpers were released, Weight Waiters came up with a new "free to jump" menu taking advantage of the free publicity as it was apparent that both jumpers were a bit pudgy.

“Okay, that's enough. Make fun of our car, ignore our obvious ploy for a Hostess sponsorship, but don’t call us pudgy. We don't want a year of free weight watchers meals. We want ho-ho's and ding-dongs”.

Yes, my wife and I are probably sorry, and yes, people may have had to deal with a little sponge cake on the brain. But in my own defense, I needed a little quality time with the wife and it’s been hard to come up with a decent activity since the dairy freeze went under. We never would have made the attempt if they weren't continually pushing the whole togetherness issue. And sponsorship from our favorite desert maker would certainly help us make ends meet.

Our next outing I promise will be a bit more tame. We will be standing in line for seven hours in the rain for David Archuletta tickets – and we hope to win sponsorship from Quickie-Mart and Chase lounges from RC Williy.