Friday, July 2, 2010

I Am The Master Of My Fete


I just read an emergency email sent to me from someone I have never heard of named John John Smith who I am supposed to "have acquaintance with from our mutual interacting" at "My City, USA!" He promptly and without much by the way of fanfare, told me that he was concerned for my financial well bean. That’s how it was spelled. Well Bean.

Coincidentally enough, I am concerned for my bean as well – both financial and otherwise. I will not, however, be sending my social security number, weight in liters, pin numbers and other personal information to him immediately, as he politely asked of me, due to his poor usage of the queens English, a subtle tingling in my guts "heart of hearts" warning me to flee with my man purse, and a return E-mail address for John John Smith in Kazakhstanenburg spelled with a "C".

I don't tell anyone how much I weigh.

Usually I am the last one to put others down for their poor ability to spell, bowl or drive a tractor - as these are activities I myself have not mastered - though not for lack of effort. Also, I am not so smart. I am the intellectual equivalent to a pimento-ed SPAM loaf – nice to have around at dinner time, but no one really wants to ask it a question.

Any other time in my life and I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. I gave some kid at school my allowance for a month to go to the store and get candy for us both. Uh-huh. I invested in my stepsisters go to camp fund. No return. I still try to win the big pink Panda every year at the town fair by getting the hoopy thing on the pointy-floaty thing. The Carine sends me a Christmas card and calls my children by name.

So I am not bright, and a bit too trusting.

My dad told me when I was young that "if it was too good to be true, then it was probably where I should invest my life savings". Then he borrowed money. It wasn’t my dad either . It was some guy with a mustache I met when I was 15 at the book store, but I bet he has gone back there many times to repay me, or would have had he not been arrested for something soon after.

So I am not bright, a bit too trusting, sometimes repetitive, and not very bright.

Fortunately, having kids has wizened me up to the ways of the world. I am going to do exactly as my daughter suggests. I am going to sit down and write this Mr. Bean from Cazakhstanenburg a short response to let him know he can take tomorrow off from his busy day not spell checking letters to nice people to take a flying leap as I will not be sending him any of my wife’s hard earned cash for his girlfriend to invest for me in the World Wide Mercat. I think he meant Market.

Frankly, I am starting to doubt if John John even has a girlfriend.

And after that I am going to do just as my daughter says and march right down to her school bands fundraiser and invest in some quality modern technology. Because if you can't trust that your daughter has your best interest at heart, from whom can you by your box of 500 incandescent light bulbs?