Monday, June 28, 2010

We're All In This Together!

I heard an idea on the radio yesterday that has me all a-quiver with excitement. It was a money making activity similar to some of these tiered multilevel marketing business opportunities to whose meetings I am continually invited because of my bubbly personality.

Now, I have been part of some of these opportunities before, and generally I have not been impressed with anything about the meetings except the complete secrecy of topic and the snacks available one you have sit through the three hour presentation.

In my experience, the third hour is a piece of cake – they usually show a video, and if you lean on your elbows just right it looks like you are deep in thought.

Several of these companies, at least as I have understood from the potion of the meetings where I was still awake, actually have products to sell - which is impressive. Most times there is a lovely brochure in full color with pictures of bars of soaps and bottles of soaps and pump spray soaps, and there was one soap-on-a-rope which I think was a good thing for some of the founders to have access to when these companies go under and the judge sentences them to a nice man-prison in Ithaca.

Sometimes there is chocolate involved - spelled creatively like "ChocLatt!" which I bring home to my wife. These chocolates are chock full of…chock, as it turns out. Apparently vitamins, minerals and antioxidants do not mix as well with chocolate as, say, almonds, caramel or milk of magnesia. – which is refreshingly minty and can only be fully appreciated the next day.

This particular company had a different and original approach that I have never seen parodied on one of the SUV SVU FBI Miami, NYPD In LA shows. Being that the approach was new and no one I had heard of had ever been arrested, I decided it was worth a meeting – as long as they did indeed serve barbecue mini-weenies as thy promised on the brochure.

This Multi Level Marketing campaign had to do, briefly, with gathering up all my love ones and my resources and moving to Afghanistan to hunt down Osama Bin Ladin for the reward money. Kind of catchy, no?

Of course, there’s what to do with the pets while we are away. And, we will need someone to gather up the mail and water the garden while we are on our family working vacation, but if we do it during the summer months then the kids won’t miss school so there won’t be any of those horrible makeup assignments.

Also, we might be able to save on food money because I hear it is so hot in the middle east that no one feels like eating much, so a crate of Kool-Aid and we’re set until typhoon season - which we could miss entirely if we stay motivated and little Annie spends some much needed quality time in target practice.

There is a little up front as an investment for forging the passports, travel documents and papers, as well as establishing residency in one of the adjoining countries in order to blend. I may have to grow a beard which won’t be as hard for me as it will for the kids, but challenges in any new business venture are to be expected and embraced..

All I need to do now is convince my wife – which shouldn't’t be a problem with all these barbecue weenies I stuffed in my suit coat pocket during the video.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Viva Mi Emancepacion!

Being that my current source of income seems to be more flexible in theory that those others in my family with a …what was that thing called again? Oh, yes,…a schedule, I have been assigned by my children the tasks of chauffeuring, dog washing and laundry room organizing. These assignment's are given to me in addition to my regular chores which consist of writing like mad to make a living and several diet coke runs a day.

This I consider a scheduling fiasco. Somehow, working at home has garnered me the collective respect commonly shown to head cheese & cabbage. Magically, I am supposed to pay the bills through my radiant and rude use of verbiage with no actual time spent at the computer. My computer, keep in mind, with accompanying printer and fan have been commandeered by the use of the 'You have all day to use it' rationale, which replaced the "You don't do anything all day" phrase because, frankly, I freaked out a little when I heard it.

I have to keep telling myself that I am like a tree in the wind. If I don't keep repeating this calming mantra to myself someone is going to die.

Back in my day if I wanted to take a pottery class or enlist in ‘macrame for preteens’, or even to get my arm set after a hard day at the babysitters, I had to make the travel arrangements my very self. This is certainly not the way of today’s youth.

Wednesday’s submissive and quiet child has been knocked off her delicate throne by Saturday afternoon’s brat who just sent me a text to let me know of her pm scheduling update so I can make the required adjustments in my dog washing time. Let’s see, ballet at 3:30 bring toe shoes and the old tights with no ruffles, clogging team at 5...Oh, look, a new addition – Pre -Testing Skills of the 21th Century for Jr High School Students Contemplating the Taking of the College Entrance Level SAT’s - 7th Grade Addition. I might sit in on that one - only way in the back because I don’t want to embarrass my little lovely’s who just called me a cow because I was 37 seconds late to pick her up and didn’t 'pedal to the medal' on the yellow light.

If I don’t have a healthy snack literally on ice waiting for them as the established trencher point from elitist activity to sub-elitist activity, I then must stop and spend $17.50 on a balanced prepared energy equipment prepackaged case which features raisins, brie, a protein shake and crispy green things that look like old potato chips from the seventies. $17.50 for designer fast food. My daughter cannot sashay or Sacha or grand plea without it.

There is not an excuse my lovelies will accept for my being even a smidgen late. “I don’t care if you had to sandbag the senior center from the flood. They can float! They did last year!” or “The doors close to the aroma therapy group directly on the hour and if I am late I have to use the couch without the real leather.”

I gotta tell ya, all this adolescent enlightenment is getting expensive. I just had to get another paper route to cover some unexpected club dues for the kid’s cub scouts, Special Choir For The Tin Ear, and remedial archery. The last one I am trying to work out a deal with the instructor for me to work off some of the dues money by letting me pose as a target for the class. It isn’t as brave as it sounds because after all, this is remedial archery. Chances of getting hit by a deliberate arrow are slim to none – much like chances of the check for the Special Choir For Tin Ear clearing. In my day, the Special Choir For Those With Tin Ears was called being a janitor.

Now that the kids are a whole year older, I am not even a chauffeur any more. I am the valet. I bring the car to them, present the keys to whomever won the fight, and I take my place in the back seat because I somehow forgot to “Call It” to reserve my shogun seat. We drive to our next appointment where they take the keys in with them and I get to sit and read or snooze or dream of being hit by a truck of chickens or someone with terrific insurance.

Okay, my lovelies, next trip is to the pharmacy. “Why”, you ask so politely, my little darlings? Daddy has an errand, and this trip will make all the others go soooo much better.