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Saturday, December 11, 2010

They Know That Santa's On His Way...He's Loaded

At my house we are in the throes of the holidays – as evidenced by the half eaten candy canes stuck to the dog and the extension cord laden Christmas tree duct taped to the wall in the front room. 

All my radio stations are tuned to the “All Christmas, All The Farging Time” stations -except for those playing twangy country music (as opposed to the one station playing good country music which now plays classic rock.)

Frankly, I would rather chew my leg off than listen to any more wining or hearing about that unfortunate boys reasoning for buying high-heeled shoes.

This brings me to my annual list of the worst songs of the holidays. Since we have already mentioned The Christmas Pumps, (or whatever it’s called) lets jump right to the next song– listing the horror in no particular order.

There are two kinds of people in this world; people who like Neil Diamond, and people who think he shouldn’t be allowed near a microphone from just after Halloween through to, and including Valentine’s Day – just to be safe. For that matter, nor should Johnny Mathis. Frankly, anytime I hear Johnny sing Sleigh Ride I am left with too many unanswered questions.

The Beetle’s founders are responsible for songs four and five. I understand their creative aversion to Jingle Bells or The Twelve Days Of Christmas– artistic individuality and all - but “So This is Christmas”, and Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” are John Lennon's and Sir Paul's most iffy offerings. No wonder suicide rates are highest during the holidays.

Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart,
The very next day
I hurled on my slacks.
This year,
To save me from tears...
I won’t listen to George Michaels.

The other song Mr. Wham contributed to is just as bad. With all due respect to honorable causes, “Don’t They Know Its Christmas Time” - alternative title “Pray for Another Song” featuring Boy George and other unemployed English lads (Sting being the exception to the rule) - makes me wish my ear wax would just seal off altogether. It is, however, a perfect song for drowning out the sound of the electric can opener.

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra version of Ring Christmas Bells/Christmas Eve makes the little voices in my head converse all at once on the topic of death and dismemberment - like when my in-laws come for dinner. Belinda Carlisle of "The Go-Go's" fame, recreating Judy's famous Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, sounds like she started the celebratory eggnog a little early - I'm thinking memorial day.

Rock’n Around The Christmas Tree would be considered garbage if not for the charming Brenda Lee, and John Denver singing as a seven-year old boy in Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas leaves me fondly remembering cherished olden days of fingernails on a chalkboard.

Penultimately, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus should not be sung by anyone. Ever. Michael Jackson couldn’t do it. Celion Dion can’t do it. I don’t think Beverly Sills or even Sandi Patti accompanied by the Happy Jerusalem Synthized Ensemble employing seven key changes could save it.

Finally, I give you anything sung by Kathy Lee Gifford – especially Mary, Did You Know. Believe me; Mary was better off not knowing.
Kathy Lee just doesn't look the same...

Now I like Kathy Lee as much as the next guy – unless the next guy has invested his kids college funds in plastic or silicone in which case he would like her more. Want the scuffle in Afghanistan to be over? Ship her to Kabul for a series of humanitarian holiday freebies and those poor rebels will be crawling out of the hills begging to be cauterized at the neck. War over.

The best of the best? Try Frank Sinatra, Karen Carpenter, Doris Day, Natalie and Nat King, Bing, Amy, Harry Conic, Mel Torme, and lastly, the Muppets.

Merry Christmas, darling.


  1. Most funny on christmas I have read all year.

  2. I agree! I just think there are so many more that could go on this one. Like Cindy Lapers.

  3. Love this post! I have to say I agree whole-heartedly that Karen Carpenter singing Christmas songs makes my heart melt. I must tell you my #1 to the list of worst Christmas songs ever and it's a song that you are unlikely to have ever heard, unless you have spent Christmas up in Seattle. It's this stupid, stupid song called "Christmas in the Northwest" and the dorks at the area radio stations play it over and over and over, ad nauseum. They think it's wonderful. Some of the lyrics:
    Christmas in the Northwest
    Is a gift that we can share
    Christmas in the Northwest
    Is a child's answered prayer

    Take away the presents
    And you still will have a tree
    For Christmas in the Northwest
    Is a gift God wrapped in green.

    SAPPY, SAPPY, SAPPY sung by a Kathy Lee Gifford wannabe. Seriously, I've never heard of a child praying for a Christmas in the Northwest, have you? Download this song on itunes for a rollicking good time. lol

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  5. I found a link to a youtube video where you can hear the real song, but it's being made fun of (with parts that are quite amusing). I dare you to listen:

  6. Then there's Johnny Cash, who interrupts EVERY song with a 5-min spoken story about growing up so poor they could only exchange stories about how much poorer their parents were... Guaranteed to depress the hell out of the most cheerful among us! :)

  7. Makes a point for investing in a few good christmas CD's, doesn't it? Good blog.