Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Art Of The Well Managed Loaf

There is a real science to avoiding work; to looking busy simply to avoid being asked to do some inconvenient task to earn ones paycheck.

I will jump right to the list because I am a very busy man. The following of this helpful compilation also works for getting out of tasks around the home, at church, or while doing yard work – only if there are others to absorb the actual tasks at hand.

A. Speed is of the essence. See that guy standing over there sauntering when he is not just standing at the counter? He obviously isn't doing anything. Lets ask him to move our fridge for us! The first rule to managing the purposed slouch is to keep moving at a nice clip. Focus on something and walk briskly. People do not want to bother someone with a lot on his plate. While you are busy being busy, appear to be running over a list of very important things in your head – so important that the restating of such causes you to move your lips. And make occasional hand gestures. Bringing your hand up to a heaven point makes it seem as if you are numbering them in order of great importance.

B. Cell phones are great tools, but be cautious. The cell phone and the blue tooth have numbed people to the craziness that is talking to yourself. Using one of these tools alone is not foolproof. But, used in combo with the fast walk, it will definitely get you through a crowded room of potential assignment givers/favor askers.

Using cell phones and pretending to have a call coming in is a lifesaver. "Yes, Mrs. Bin Laden, I understand how your several bunions make it uncomfortable for you to wear toe shoes for the ballet...Oh, just a minute, I have a call coming in from the Governor...” With silent or vibration mode, who is to say that you aren't really on a conference call with Oprah and the Queen.

C: Establish a base camp. You will probably not want to establish it near your desk or work station. If co workers know where you can be reached, then all is lost. Find a place to hide, not a place where you can be seen. A closet where you can spread out, a top shelf where you can lay a sleeping bag, crates nailed together to make a fort - there are hideouts that will get you through the day. It needs to look like you are someplace important doing something equally as important. Walking briskly all day is exhausting. Get there, bet back, and then hide for an hour – that is the mantra of the perpetually lazy. One must rest to be in great form for jaunting.

D: Look momentarily slightly bothered, by the wrinkling of your eyebrow, if someone stops you to ask for some help. After a brief eyebrow wrinkle, smile and give great service so that it appears that you really do want to assist, but, gosh darn it, you just don't have the time. Then people think you are a nice guy – just busy as heck!

These are just a few simple rules that will keep you loaded with free time.

Please keep them to yourself. If these get into the wrong hands- say doctors, nuclear physicists, or air traffic controllers, there could be unwanted complications.

I would give you more information along this vein, but I've got a call I have to take.

"Hello,..Yes, Mr. Obama?..."

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