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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Do Do Do Do DO!

I lost my cell phone the other day. It wasn’t in the usual places I find my phone after it has been lost - my truck, the laundry pile, the microwave, or my daughters purse.

So, I had to use the home phone to make calls. Standing there with the phone in hand I realized that I didn’t know the numbers of any of the people I needed to call. The numbers were programmed into my cell, and I usually have no need to remember them.

Back in the days when I liked to pretend that my life had meaning, I used a day planner. The very same type of thing used to happen to me, only different. I would write down a date or an appointment and having done so, would forget about it entirely. I was handing my brain to a third party.

I now, based on the last three minutes of concentrated thought, believe that these superb latter-day inventions, these incredible devices that certainly assist us in these modern times are actually an infestation of a mechanical nature from outside our planet that will bring about the downfall of society as we have come to know it. It’s so lowbrow to play the "martins in space" card, but I’m gonna do it.

Think about it. “Oh my, it looks like that pod plant is growing dangerously close to Burt and Sally Mormons bedroom window! I better quickly call the… Now where did I put that cell phone. I don’t remember the 911 number cause it’s programmed into that sleek, modern device I use to communicate with the outside world. Oh well, looks like a rerun of Green Acres is on TV.”

See what I mean? Or maybe you are more of the type for… “I have just discovered the cure to cancer, appendicitis and early pattern ‘A‘ hair loss! It’s all right here in my brain! This will surely save mankind! And maybe a few women, too! Before I go to the press and make my announcement so that all the world may know of this miraculous break-through, let me take a moment to update my status on facebook…oh look! Heather is having problems with her blender again. And it is snowing in South Dakota at the Four Presidents film festival. How interesting. Now, what was I doing?”

Ugly, isn't it. You can just hear the brains quiglafrying (I know. Good word, huh?) into a green Jell-O-like substance that oozes and festers and absorbs knowledge & conversational fodder until no one at all will listen to you or invite you over for fish and chips.

We’re doomed, I tell you. And its all due to some modern technological advances of rather dubious origins.

Case in point. Have you seen the screens on these hand-held’s? It’s positive proof that they are inventions of invaders of the short pale variety - i.e. little and green. The view screens are so small that even I, with glasses that have lenses so thick they could be used as shields on the star ship Enterprise, end up handing the phone to my kids so I can see who is calling.

Puny screens = aliens!

Now I hope I haven’t frightened any of you. Just go on about your petty lives as if all was well, and you didn't know that the world is going to end in 2012. It’s best if you consider this a simple little lesson in prevention. Do me a favor and memorize your own phone numbers and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

A short message to the government of this fine nation - Please fix health care. Also, don’t keep the star wars security codes in a cell phone, laptop, or a small sleek-looking toaster ovens unless you know for sure that it was made in the US of A.

And if you find a cell phone with a Close Encounters of the Third Kind ring tone, please let me know ASAP.

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