My lovely wife and I have purchased ten coats this winter season for two kids.
I understand that a coat or two would go missing due to taste differences between us. It's easy to lose a coat you don't like. But ten coats? How off can my taste really be?
In a moment of weakness and stupidity, I broke down and asked both kids what happened to their tasteful outerwear.
|I think I recognize that poncho|
Question: “Where is that lovely hounds tooth jacket your mother and I bought you with the money I should have spent, in retrospect, on sending you to Canada for boarding school?”
How I lost my coat- Explanation Number One: I left it at school.
Sorry. Can't happen. I got a good gander at their lockers when I attended “Berate Your Kid Night" at parent teacher conference last month. It is the size of my old Brady Bunch lunchbox and takes about the same effort to close. They couldn't fit a coat, their I-Stuff and their books at the same time.
I am, of course, assuming that there are books. In my parenting years I have seen nary a one at home. I did find a copy of an anatomy manual once in Ihoma's book bag, but he fell all over himself explaining that he was just keeping it for a friend who got in-trouble at home for reading. Other than that, not one book!
"Because they never have Homework" they say.
'"Because they did it at school" they say.
Or "Because their teacher doesn't like them and gives everybody else in the 6th grade a handout excepting my poor, poor child.
Or, lastly, "Because the teacher erases the assignment board too fast! - which is close to my personal favorite: "I can't see the blackboard because you make me get ready for school so quickly and I forget my glasses".
Wait. His friend got in trouble for reading? How does that happen?
You go to your room for a month young man! I won't have that blankity-blank reading stuff in my house! We are an X-box playing, plaid wearing, rifle & slingshot toting, big hair kinda family, and no son of mine is gonna screw it up by reading! You listening to me, BOY!
I like it.
I Lost My Coat - Explanation Number Two: I lost it at church. Okay, this is sort of feasible. Those church going folk will save a penny where ever they can. But I would have seen the lost coat on a munchkin running around the neighborhood. And believe me, I have been keeping an eye out.
Explanation Number Three: It's dirty.
Sorry, doesn't fly with me. Have you seen the things these kids are wearing? It doesn't matter if its been in the laundry pile for weeks under smelly socks, if Myelda wants to wear the pink fur-lined “I'm a Brat” tee shirt, them “I'm a Brat” it is – regardless of smell or wrinkles.
Final Explanation: I gave it to a street urchin who didn't have a coat.
OK, this makes me tear up a little just like the mother needs Christmas shoes song. To think that my child would give up something of his, that he would actually go cold rather than have some poor thing go without a Hawaiian luau themed parachute jacket I picked out for them myself! This trumps all. God bless my sweet children.
Unless they're lying and then I am going to kill them a slow and painful death – like boarding school in Moose 'n Mouse Pass, Canada. A quiet place where in their spare time they can scavenge for coats and read anatomy manuals.