Article Tone: Humorous, Wife Doesn't Find Funny, Informative-Borderline All-knowing, Preachy, Medium, Medium Rare, Sorta Serious, Death Related
Being me is embarrassing. I should wear a sign that says, “Pardon me for being a bit of a dork. Please understand that that in my presence anything can happen at any given moment.”
Making a social faux pas is par for my course. And those around me just want to pull their head right into their chest cavity and hide. Mostly, it's me that should hide and keep my mouth shut to avoid putting my faux pas in it.
In the past I have:
— Made fun of someone's hair to someone who turned out to be that person's mother.
— Chewed out my roommate for unauthorized use of my stuff while I was wearing his shirt without permission.
— Insisted that Anna Karenina's last name was pronounced Care-a-Nina. It's only funny in the retelling.
What I am not expressly fond of is making those "learn by experience" mistakes when others are watching — whether they know me or not. I am slightly famous for:
— Mistaking someone for being pregnant who wasn’t.
— Thinking a smile, a hug or a wave was meant for me when it wasn't.
— Walking into a glass partition that I could have sworn was a door.
— Cheerfully saying “have fun” when someone told me they were: going to a funeral; a root canal; and one time, a colonoscopy.
— Singing happy birthday to someone I should have known — having to mumble during the name: “Happy birthday dear blaugh-wa …”
— Remembering a funny joke I was told by the mechanic and laughing at it in a city council meeting during the Pledge of Allegiance.
— Hugging someone goodbye and then realizing that the two of us were going in the same direction.
— Singing a song from my high school top 40 out loud with the sudden realization that the lyrics were more than a little raunchy.
— Sneaking up to someone I knew and goosing them to find out they weren't who I thought they were.
— Settling down in a public bathroom and overhearing a little girl say to her mother, "There's a man in here."
— Getting mad at the clerk for not helping me and then realizing that she was not a store employee.
— Not knowing the correct situation salutation. Is it a fist bump, or a high five? A high fist? A longing embrace? No, they just want to shake hands. Oops.
— Saying “you too” after the guy taking my ticket wished me a good trip.
— Seeing someone I knew in the store and then seeing them again in the next aisle, and then again in the next aisle, and again ….
And, I hope you never do any of these:
— You see someone walking by and you pretend you don’t see them because you owe them money, or you ran over their cat.
— You say hello to someone who obviously hears you and keeps walking.
— Have this conversation: You say, “How are you, Bob?” They say “Fine, Angela, and you?” You say “Terrific Bob. How are you?”
— Smile and say “Yeah” when someone asks you to pass the salt and pepper or ask for the time.
— Answer someone’s emphatic question and then see that they are talking on their phone.
— Have more smarts to say anything other than “Your mom!“ when they have insulted you.
— Miss your exit in a revolving door, become disoriented and get your arm stuck.
— Are never caught short on cash or having a card declined in front of your father-in law.
— Get caught picking a nose — yours or someone else's. (It was my grandson if you must know.)
— Hit “reply all” when replying to everyone on your church list was the last thing on your mind.
— Make a friendly attempt to join a conversation without being heard, repeat what you just said louder and then realize that they all heard you the first time.
— Clog the toilet at a friend's house. And if you do, you don't flush a second time and have to take care of sudden high water in a long-sleeved shirt.
— Brag about having caught three raccoons in your backyard before your neighbor tells you that feeding the friendly fauna was his reason for getting up in the morning.
And, if you are as fortunate as I am, all your friend and neighbors will accept your apologies as many times as you offer them and still answer their phone when they know it's you calling.